The Unspoken Rules of Transport

We all know that when we get on public transport, we are expected to behave in certain ways, which are synonymous with a functioning society. Law dictates we cannot start punching fellow human beings, however irritating or punchable their face may be.  Public announcements on transport inform us that we cannot take bicycles onto the tube with us, and that we should not leave items unattended. These we must abide by.

There is also an unspoken set of rules which we should abide by when on public transport, and these are inbuilt within most decent people. One of these is to not fart on a carriage filled with people, however impressive you think the smell will be. Another is to not talk to people you do not know, unless it is life-threatening; in which case, you should start by apologising full-heartedly, before saying what it is you have to say as quickly as you can to avoid as much tension and awkwardness as possible.

Due to the rule of not talking to people unless a life is hanging in the balance, you are not allowed to tell another person when they are breaking one of the unspoken rules. Instead, we have to just stare at the offender whilst grinning and bearing it. An example of this is when someone is listening to music on their portable device via earphones, incredibly loud. When a young man with sculpted hair walks onto an underground train, listening to his ‘cool hip-hop beats that he digs’, we must feel privileged that he has chosen to selflessly damage his own eardrums, so that us mere dullards can listen to what he has selected to play. We should not feel annoyed and hateful; we should be grateful. He is our saviour; praise him we must.

Similarly, when someone has their bag on the seat next to them, we cannot show them violence or tell them to remove the item from the seat. Instead, we just stare at the seat. This happened to Oscar not long ago. He got on the busy Piccadilly Line, heading to North London, where he lives with his pregnant wife in a two up, two down, terrace. As always, the train home was packed, and yet again he had to precariously cup his head into the sweaty armpit of a strange man, who was clinging onto the above railing as if the floor was about to open and reveal a pool filled with fasting sharks.

It was then that he spied a woman sat with her large handbag sat comfortably on the seat next to her, on the packed train. Everyone was starring at her. She was oblivious to the daggers that were being aimed at her.

“She is such a selfish cow. I feel like stumbling over there and telling her that right in her crow-footed, sagging, and red haired scrotum of a face”, thought Oscar as his eyes narrowed and the hand holding his briefcase tightened.

The more Oscar thought about the woman sat next to her leopard print bag, with her hand proudly stroking it, the more he felt like going over there and throwing her off the seat. Only two things stopped him; the first being that he respected the rules of the underground, and the second being that she could probably pack a punch twice as hard as he ever could. As a result, he continued to try and keep his head a safe distance from the above armpit.

With a jolt, the train began to bump and the man’s armpit fell onto the head of Oscar. His face screwed up with a look of revulsion just as the doors opened and a large heard of emotionless people exited, including the man possessing the sweaty armpit, and the large woman with her leather handbag. Oscar gave a quick shake of the head as he composed himself. He then turned to see the seats occupied by the woman and her bag, were now being used by an elderly couple.

Oscar gave an exasperated sigh. ‘What’s a man gotta do to get a seat after working all day?’ he thought, as he slumped against a piece of glass and closed his eyes.